Recently, a friend broke up with me. There was no explanation, there was no conversation.  My friend just stopped being friendly after 11 years of enjoyable and solid relationship. 

What could I have done?  What could I have said?  Alas, even after making inquiry after inquiry, I received no response to voicemails , e-mails , or Facebook messages .  I had to face it.  I’d been dumped.

It saddens me greatly to see the passive aggressivity in our culture run rampant over relationships. The entitlement issues we have with respect to how we deem we are to be treated, and what we do if we are not treated that way are at epidemic proportions.

Since I’ve been doing a bit of reading on popular culture lately, the analogy of my failed friendship that came to mind was that of a glue dot. Glue dots are quick ways to stick stuff together, they are tiny pieces of thin circular sticky rubber used in crafting to hold things in place. They are easy to use and initially very strong, but they are not permanent adhesions (over time their tackiness degrades). Introduce any stress and the things they hold together typically come apart. My friend’s sudden cessation of communication reflects this; whatever stress he experienced, it was enough in his mind to pull us apart as easily as if we had been held together with a glue dot.

The longer I pondered this, the more I thought how unconscionable it seemed to just allow ourselves to degenerate into a culture that holds this view of community. Now I don’t mean to say it’s this way everywhere, but when those we claim to care about aren’t constantly making us feel Über special or good about ourselves; when they are not totally focused on our lives (because they, in fact, have lives of their own); when a friend expresses disparate honesty that doesn’t exactly meet our incessant need for approval, then it would seem that our our commitment to a "through thick and thin" relationship proves to be ephemeral at best.

As author Dick Staub puts it, "Today’s popular culture generally reveals that humans, despite our magnificent spiritual, intellectual, and imaginative capacities, have chosen to wade in the shallow but spiritually toxic waters of superficiality." In essence, we have become a culture of glue dots.

Sadly, the consequences of this type of glue dot mentality are throwaway relationships. This is obviously most clearly seen in the popularity of social networks. We have Facebook friends, Twitter followers, & MySpace micro-celebrity, and yet how many of us can honestly say we reach out to others on these venues with much sincerity or intent of commitment? Not enjoying someone’s updates? It’s just a click away to "unfriend" them.

Perhaps this is appropriate for online interaction, but do we really want the same spilling over into our face-to-face friendships? We need not squint long to see that the result of a desire to use relationships as entertainment in today’s popular culture reflects a radical diminishment of God’s image in all of us. In so doing, we damage own souls. Staub points out that, as a result, we experience is a lack of a deep sense of self which is instead replaced by façade where our identities are formed through the attachment of purely external features much like ornaments on a Christmas tree.

How can we avoid a glue dot mentality? Well, as always I have some suggestions. First, let’s purpose to dwell on the fact that commitment to community is as vital as healthy connective tissue in the body, and that the virtue of commitment to others is deeply valuable. The Creator had specific purpose for making us communal beings. As such, we should be intentional in protecting our relationships.

Second, let’s recommit to those who have invested in us, especially in light of stress. This year, let’s tell those that care about us that we are a "through thick and thin" kinda friend. Third, let’s take some time to focus on how we are a benefit to those friendships, rather than mainly focusing on the melioration they provide us.

Finally, if you don’t think any of this applies to you, it may be helpful to ask those you feel close to if they think you sport a glue dot mentality. You might be surprised. I was.

TL

Dick Staub, The Culturally Savvy Christian

The issue with this is that our focus is too often on ourselves and our own preferences, and we often pray as if God were a cosmic vending machine who exists to bring about states of affairs that please us. I must tell you, this type of thinking is diabolical to our growth and maturity in developing the mind and character of Christ.

Psychologist and Research Professor Jean Twenge began documenting what she calls the cultural “disease of excessive self-admiration” in her books Generation Me and The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement. Twenge says narcissism is deeply ingrained in modern American culture and a statistical majority of those born after 1970 simply take it for granted that “we should all feel good about ourselves, we are all special, and we all deserve to be happy.”

When narcissistic character traits such as pride, conceit, vanity, grandiosity, and self-centeredness are at their worst in us gals, they culminate into what I call the “dysfunctional diva” syndrome. Learning to love God with your mind is a virtuous process, and pursuing virtue is part of what it means to cultivate character. It’s important to understand this syndrome because it is in direct conflict with cultivating virtue and character. Now I think you would agree the display of narcissistic character traits are priorities which are far from healthy. But more than this, as Christians, we are called to comb our souls and root out anything we find that keeps us from forming the character of Jesus.

Narcissistic personality disorder was first identified in 1971, and the research and compilation of the data shows that “almost every character trait related to narcissism rose sharply between the 1950s and the 1990s including assertiveness, dominant, extroversion, self-esteem and individualistic focus.” Further, Jean Twenge asserts that the epidemic of narcissism seems to have hit females particularly hard. This may be because narcissistic traits present more prominently in women due to our culturally perpetuated obsessions with beauty and appearance along with our historical struggle for sexual equality. Psychologist Philip Cushman says that the cosmetics industry, the diet business, pop psychology and pop religion have all experienced tremendous growth in serving this overt need that women have to look beautiful and feel good about ourselves.The 70s might as well have pulled out a bullhorn and announced to the next 30 years that they would be hailing in the age of the dysfunctional diva!

Typically, the dysfunctional diva is self-indulgent and has a pervasive attitude of self-importance. In many cases, she perceives adulation and privileged treatment from others as an entitlement. She has an constant need for attention. When faced with any criticism, her reaction is typically petulant. Being inconvenienced generally invokes irritability. She finds patience to be a difficult practice due to a predisposition toward instant gratification. The dysfunctional diva typically places a high value on personal enjoyment. In the absence of entertainment or external stimulation, boredom is often the result. Dispassionate about introspection to discover identity and develop character, she is rather more interested in gossip over the personal details about the lives of friends, family members, celebrities, and popular people.

In addition, the dysfunctional diva often neglects to appraise how her actions will affect those around her. She tends to favor her own preferences over the preferences of others, and is inclined to pout when her desires go unfulfilled. The learned behavior patterns of self-focus and self-absorption are generally deeply ingrained. True empathy is difficult for the dysfunctional diva, because she has a hard time removing the focus from herself to genuinely sympathize with others. Always the victim, she rarely believes that another’s problems could ever supersede her own.

Read on in Part two

“The empty self is filled with consumer goods, calories, experiences, politicians, romantic partners, and empathetic therapists. [The empty self] experiences a significant absence of community, tradition, and shared meaning… a lack of personal conviction and worth, and it embodies the absences as a chronic, undifferentiated emotional hunger.”

Moreland rightly asserts that when “people live for pleasurable satisfaction, they become empty-selves.” God intended us to live for purpose beyond ourselves, (namely Him) and when instead the primary goal in life is happy satisfaction, we find the result to be the opposite. This is because God did not design us to live for happiness. Moreland goes on to insightfully state that a Church filled with people with the aforementioned character traits would have little theological understanding, evangelistic courage, or cultural penetration.

We can see this because if it’s difficult to put the needs of others before our own, it will be difficult to serve them well. If we tend to make decisions based on how we feel rather than skillful reasoning, we will inevitably make poor choices for the Kingdom. If we are inclined to always give priority to our own preferences, we most likely will avoid the discipline required to pursue the character of God, and shy away from the study of truth in those ideas that we might find difficult or less than entertaining. We will be dispassionate toward evangelism and unable to apologetically provide sound reasons for our faith. Gals, this is one reason why making Headroom is so important. Developing a well-formed thought life helps us to combat narcissism and the dysfunctional diva in all of us. (I think I need an “amen” here. Because after all, it’s really about me.)

Robert Wuthnow, “The Scandal of the Evangelical Mind: A Symposium” First Things (March 1995). http://www.firstthings.com/article.php3?id_article=4018

Philip Cushman, “Why the Self Is Empty,” American Psychologist 45 (May 1990): 600.

J.P. Moreland, The Kingdom Triangle, p. 25

J.P. Moreland, Love Your God With All Your Mind, p. 93